VampireMione's Xanga

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 00:54:40 GMT

Today is not only my mother's birthday, but it is now also the day that my grandma has passed away. I knew it was likely, especially after the latest report this morning, but a selfish part of me kept hoping that it would not be today, at the least.

:(

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:58:23 GMT

It seems one of the hardest things to say to people is that I miss my mom. When I'm stressed, I miss her a lot. She often gave me a new spin on things, or, at least, the lecture I felt I rightly deserved. And a bit of comfort, if not sympathy.

I wanted to tell my dad tonight, since I just broke down and told him about school-related stuff stressing me out...but I couldn't. The words just caught.

On the bright side, it seems I remembered more signs for training than I thought, but I still have probably 50 or so to learn by Wed, and have 5 sentences prepared...eek! Why am I having so much trouble learning these? (And why didn't I study more often over the last couple of weeks?)

Been a while, hasn't it?

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:07:06 GMT

So...to start, I have Hillary Duff's "Reach Out" stuck in my head. Why? Because someone on Why, God, Why? suggested it in the Horrible Covers thread, as it uses the music from Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" Look, I know the song is bad...but I can't help it!

Secondly, I am missing the boyfriend. It is somewhat scary how attached I am to him, sometimes. But then again, we had a couple of rough nights this past weekend (a few spats, we talked them out) and I didn't get to go over Sunday night like normal, or be there today. In fact, I won't be there till Wed @ 3am or thereabouts. If then.

Which brings me to two more updates: I have a job. For how long, I don't know. Why don't I know? Because PARC, my employer, is a non-profit organization for disabled individuals that may lose half of its budget starting July 1. Yeah. At the moment, however, I am training to be a substitute program assistant, capable of covering any of the three shifts at the residential facilities. I cannot exceed 20 hours a week, but hey. It's a job, and that's a start, especially considering my finances. Though Dad has said he will help, which he didn't inform me of before, then got upset I hadn't know that...

Thanks to this job, I am getting TB and Hep B vaccines for free. But...*shudder* needles...ugh. I got first TB shot today, the next is next week, I think...

I will have to get CPR/First Aid through Red Cross. Because PARC goes on a yearly basis. So, since my AHA certification goes through next June, I guess I'll be doubly-certified?

I have a gait belt of my very own. And yes, it comes out of my paycheck. But if/when I leave, if I turn it in, they'll give me credit on my last check.

Next point: I'm not sure when I last spoke of this, so I'll just say that in the last couple months, I have scraped paint off my car and *cough* acquired some new color. Minor, really. I have also cracked a headlight cover. And a protective covering underneath the car had loosened enough so it hung in front of the tire, making me nervous about driving. Dad, an uncle, and a cousin removed it Sunday night, but of course this means that will have to be replaced. Oh, and one of these days I should get the oil changed and the air conditioning filters checked. And check the tire pressure...yeah, I'm not a car-savvy Katie, I just like to drool over the Fast & Furious franchise.

Uhh....I've been rather slacking in research for school, something I should get started on ASAP.

I should be going to be in the next 45 minutes, as I must get up @ 6:45 tomorrow, which I've not done since...last summer, I should think. Not exactly something to brag on.

My relatives from CO (most of them) came in because my uncle's mom passed away. During this, I learned that branch of the family is Catholic, which I never knew before. Huh.

I've been getting the urge to write David something mushy, and I would...but I don't know that'd it reach his mailbox before he saw me next...hmm...mayhap I'll time it so sometime next week during my 2 days of training, he'll get it.

My moods are all over the place - I suspect exhaustion. Wacky sleep schedule all summer, trying to match David so I can see him more...yeah.

I really want to go to Forest Park and hike around w/ him one day, but he'd be drenched in this weather. In swear, that is. Poor guy. Same thing even if we went to Starved Rock or uh...the M-one...Mattheison(?) that's right down the road from Starved Rock.

I probably should not drink soda soon before bed. I also will need to make lunch tomorrow...PBJ, here I come, for I am cheap (no buying lunch there) and lazy (simple sandwich) and also a slow eater, so a microwave meal is out.

I also said something I am rather proud of on LJ, after a friend posted about leaving the dorm and why he was suddenly viewing the dorm through rose-tinted lenses. The last paragraph is what I'm proud of, but I'll give the whole comment anyway...

"SUBJ: Because, in a sense, it was home

POST: Not to mention a mini-town sometimes. God, the way gossip could flow through there...there were people I didn't know visually, but I knew their business when I lived in LRH.

You knew the rules (formal and informal). You knew where your shit was. Who to talk to. Who was up at god-knows-what hour and which rooms to avoid. You had good and bad times, and so you lived there.

The places where you expend a lot of yourself, in a good way or bad...the places where you do more than simply inhabit or pretend to exist in them...they become home, however brief the stay. And so when you leave, you leave a part of you there as well. The nostalgia for all the good things and letting the bad fade, I believe, is so you don't regret leaving that part of you behind."

Speaking of LJ comments...sometimes I go back through David's LJ, and read his announcement that he has a girlfriend, and how that makes him feel. Something about that still gives me absolute warm fuzzies inside.

Feeling the itch

Wed, 20 May 2009 04:44:32 GMT

Not like a physical itch, but I've been twitching mentally and thoughts are slowly coming back to me. Creative thoughts. Ideas, words, snippets, scenes...

I haven't been trying to rush them or really write them down. For one, too many are just nebulous feelings and concepts at the moment- words wouldn't quite work. For another, it's hard to believe I haven't totally lost this. Don't know when I'll really be writing again, fanfic or otherwise, but it's nice to at least know the old creative machine hasn't totally croaked.

Still plodding away

Thu, 07 May 2009 17:18:40 GMT

So this morning in counseling, I was told I seem to be doing better. Funny how that all seems to vanish later...

1) Final tonight. It's optional, so I'm hoping that means I can only help myself, not hurt myself. The professor said she'd waive my presentation that was due as well. I'm still going to have my notes & stuff with me, in case. But I don't feel ready for this....I don't feel ready at all...last-minute cramming because I always end up doing last-minute things...

2) Grandma's in the hospital. I'm taking no news as good news, and slow news = good news as well. She had a stroke last Thursday, was in the ICU, moved to a regular ward, and is in the ICU again. Seems mainly to be a med reaction this time. Still, worrisome, given her age.

3) Still job hunting. Got told on Monday that I appeared to be overqualified. I don't care if I am, I just want to work. Paranoia about job people looking on Facebook is being held mightily at bay...

Another lyrics-spam nostalgia trip

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 05:22:32 GMT

On the way back to Normal tonight, I decided to take along a CD or two. I've not been able to charge my iPod, since, silly me, I don't have a car charger. And my laptop is, once again, being a POS.

I pulled a couple of my regular "I know I like" CDs from my piles - Nightwish's "Dark Passion Play," the Coyote Ugly soundtrack, and a mix CD from camp. Added to Brigid's Cross' last album, a mix CD from high school, and some from David, I was set. Until I realized I had the urge for something more...nostalgia-inducing.

So I pulled out Vitamin C. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_C_(artist)

If you don't recognize the artist's name, don't worry. There was only one single of hers that I recall being really big: "Graduation (Friends Forever)." I'll be posting the lyrics to that in a minute, so...yeah. She also had "Smile" which I think may have been a Radio Disney hit. Maybe. It's listed as one of her popular singles on Wiki, anyway.

As a random side note, I thought I got this album in 1998 for my birthday or else a year later as a thank-you from Marcy for being in her wedding.. It seems, since it was released in August 1999, that it was the latter. Which means that the fact I was listening to it and going over my eighth grade graduation stuff three months into my high school career shows I was clearly a bit of a sentimental dork. (Still am)

Anyway, I drove most of the way back to Normal listening to the album. Some of the songs I still enjoy. Some, I can actually understand the lyrics better than when I was younger (yay!). Most? I found myself listening long enough to go "Oh, yeah. That" and then skip to the next song.

But it did make a nice little trip down memory lane. Thankfully, not one that distracted me from driving.

Anyway, lyrics spammage ahoy!

"Turn Me On"

Are you gonna turn me on?
Or are you gonna turn on me?

It's just a sense, really nothing clear
Is this desire, or is this fear?
Do I let you in, do I shut you out-
Is this control, or is this doubt?
You move so close, that I feel your sweat
Is it time to go, or not just yet?
Here's the thing-
Is it love or hate, is it right or wrong.
Can we get it straight?
Can we just get it straight?

Are you gonna turn me on
Or are you gonna turn on me?

Are you gonna turn me on
Or are you gonna turn on me?

I laugh along, eye the door,
Play your game, still there's more.
You stare so deep it gives me a chill
Maybe we should-
Should wait until...
It's no surprise when I feel your weight
I can't react, it's up to fate
Up to fate

Are you gonna turn me on
Or are you gonna turn on me?

Are you gonna turn me on
Or are you gonna turn on me?

Is this a dream? Is this a dream?*
Touch my shoulder, could you be colder?

Are you gonna turn me on
Or are you gonna turn on me?
[repeat X6 to fade]

*This seems to be the only line not in the liner notes, and while I understand the "Is this a dream?" part, I could also swear it's followed by "It's not what I want" - but I can't find a lyrics site that agrees.

"Graduation (Friends Forever)"

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now
'Cause you don't have another day
'Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love but it came too soon
And there was me and you and when we got real blue
We'd stay at home talking on the telephone
And we'd get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels...

[1]
As we go on, we remember
All the times we Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever,
We will still be friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back at now will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school
Still be trying to break every single rule?
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep - keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's our time to fly
And this is how it feels

[Repeat 1]

La la la la, la la la
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La la la la la la la
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep - keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's our time to fly

[Repeat 1 (3x)]

Of course, once I finished with Vitamin C, I put in the Coyote Ugly soundtrack to sing along with LeAnne Rimes...*Shrug* Hello, 2000...though ironically enough, while I adored the movie then, my favorite moments associated with the soundtrack came in 2002, when I did CIT for Tapawingo. Nothing beats hanging out in the Healthy House kitchen and beltin' along to the soundtrack. Well, okay, there's plenty that can, but the memories still rock.

I don't like to be alone in the night
And I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right
And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
But I do love you
But I do love you

I don't like to see the sky painted gray
And I don't like when nothing's going my way
and i dont like to be the one with the blues
But I do love you
But I do love you

Love everything about the way you're loving me
The way you lay your head upon my shoulder when you sleep
And I love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do
Oh I do

And I don't like to turn the radio on
Just to find I missed my favorite song
And I don't like to be the last with the news
But I do love you
But I do love you

Love everything the way you;re loving me
The way you lay your head upon my shoulder when you sleep
And I love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do
Oh I do

And I don't like to be alone in the night
And I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right
And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
But I do love you
But I do love you
But I do love you
But I do love you

Nostalgia trip via lyrics spammage

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:13:14 GMT

I've had this stuck in my head for the last hour or so...

Weird - Hanson
Isn't it weird.
Isn't it strange.
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train
We're both trying to find a place in the sun
We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes

Weird. Oh ho.

Isn't it hard.
Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear but you're screaming so loud
You feel like you're all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.

Sitting on the side.
Waiting for a sign.
Hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin.
So you don't stand out.
But you don't fit in.

Weird.

Whoa oh.
Sitting on the side.
Waiting for a sign.
Hoping that my luck will change.
Oh ho.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world if you're different you can't win.
So you don't stand out and you don't fit in.
Oh, isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird
Strange, how we all get a little bit.
Strange, how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes.
Oh, just a little bit weird sometimes.

And this

Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
yeah I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today,(backround singer)today...

[Chorus:]

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
is a different day,
tomorrow,

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Give me a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

[Chorus:]

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow,tomorrow
is a different day

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow... it may change [4x]

Friends = strangers?

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:58:04 GMT

Lately, whenever I talk to a friend from high school or college or camp that I haven't conversed with in awhile, I realize something. It is hard to think of conversation topics. Rehashing the old days only takes you so far. The same goes for "Oh, so-and-so's doing this now, didja hear?"

Then you're left with awkward silence, some random jokes, and finally, a strained..."Well, guess I better let you go."

They don't always end up like this. But more and more, that's what it feels like. I realize that we all grow up & apart, but really, I thought the friends I've had for the last 4-5 years or more would be my friends for life. Maybe we still can be, but it seems it's going to take a helluva lot more work than any of us have the time/effort for right now.

Probably time I updated this

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:54:31 GMT

Item 1: The fight I believe I mentioned in my last entry? Probably the worst fight David and I have had. But we've gotten through it. And we're stronger for it.

Item 2: School is stressing me out. Life is stressing me out. Love is stressing me out. I am therefore going to the counseling center at ISU, so that mayhap I can be rid of some of the stress.

Item 3: The end of the semester looks a helluva lot closer this side of spring break.

Item 4: I still lack a job. And I worry about David, who is losing his. I hope he finds something soon that pays decently (and hopefully doesn't bore him to tears, as that'd be a plus). I both appreciate and want to strangle my roommates' for their help in my job search - occasionally, it feels as though they border on nagging.

Item 5: My grandma has moved into an apartment in a senior center, and is therefore giving me stuff that I may need down the line but do not need now and have no place for. YAY! Actually, I won't whine too much, but yeah.

Item 6: I am actually doing my best to sort stuff out, so I can make a trip to Goodwill next week, with one or two garbage bags full of stuff. I have managed one bag so far. My goal is to do this every couple of months this year. I'd also like to be able to toss one garbage bag of junk from the house every month. Make a dent on the mess pile, yeh? So if anyone knows anyone who wants teaching materials...well, I've talked to Dad, and one of my roommate's sister may need some. The rest will be donated either to CommonPlace or to teachers that need them. It's a step in getting him to part with some of Mom's stuff, and that's all I ask for.

Item 7: I really want Wii Fit. I think excercising and getting back into running will be good for me. Now that the weather's getting nicer, I also think it's possible.

Item 8: The computer issues are not solved yet. #$*(&$% Must go back to Best Buy's Geek Squad this weekend or have Fred look at computer. Because it has to be the computer and not the battery, seeing as the new battery is also registering as poor and having issues charging. BB already said it ain't the adapter.

Item 9: I need to re-apply for camp this summer, and let anyone who's been asking me about it know I've re-applied. Whether I go back will then depend on Bones' decision, availability of positions, and whether I get a "big girl/ real world job."

That's a brief rundown. I feel as though I should be more in-depth, but yeah...I got nothing that I really feel I should be saying.

It's been a long, draining night

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 06:13:48 GMT

But I think I'm stronger for it. I haven't done any homework, which will kill me tomorrow, and I probably should've turned in an hour ago, but fuck it. I didn't.

I just wanted to say that.